Living With Social Anxiety
I am currently typing this on a Sunday after, yet another weekend of plans that I was a no- show too. I missed out on a Mexican night with my university classmates which would have involved a healthy dose of tequila and also partying with my sister, no doubt on tables. I have not left my house since Friday, and this has been the cycle for more months than I care to remember.
I wish I could communicate and explain why I don't turn up to plans or why I distance and isolate myself from others. I'll try to explain my anxiety in an understandable way.
When I make plans I genuinely plan to keep them. I am excited at first and look forward to enjoying the moment and creating memories. Then as the date approaches I start feeling funny, my chest feels tight, I feel really uncomfortable, and then I mysteriously feel really tired and anti. My anxiety makes me second, third and fourth guess myself. It makes me feel like friends have abandoned me and I'm on the outside. I am on the outside but realistically I'm the one putting myself there.
I don't want to miss out on things, I'm in my 20s I want to run around wild and shake a leg but, I find myself with an unlimited mental list of things I need to know before I consider leaving my house. Who will be there? How will I navigate? Is there definitely parking? And most importantly will I be able to cope?
It's confusing because I'm not a shy person. Like seriously, not in the slightest. I'd describe myself as quite hype and lively but there's also this side to me that severely lacks energy and motivation. It is almost as if my brain triggers a switch that causes me to overthink to the point of an internal explosion.
I feel a pang of FOMO (fear of missing out). I hate when I read short versions of stuff and no one makes it clear what it means.
But yeah, when I'm huddled in bed thinking about what I'm missing out on I get really annoyed with myself. It's not like I go bed and I'm sparked out sleeping all night. I'm sitting there with my brain whizzing around stressing about random things. The worst thing is seeing snaps and pictures of the things I missed out on, knowing that I wanted to be there but my mind enslaved me. Knowing that I've missed out on yet another memory.
Each time I tell myself I'll be more sociable and get out there, hoping that I will synchronise my words with actions one day soon. The one thing I have noticed though is that I do relatively well with spontaneous plans. I feel like it bypasses a lot of anxiety, takes the edge of things and allows me to live in the moment. I know this is not the case for everyone but for me, I'm so manic that by the time I adjust to my surroundings I'm already out and genuinely enjoying myself before my mind can start doing the moonwalk.
I can't preach to anyone about how to overcome social anxiety because to be 100% real I am experiencing it now the worst I ever have. I'm not sure how to make it better but I'm going to seek professional help and go from there and keep updating people on my journey. People don't notice this rocky side of me because I'm not overly into divulging my issues, but bare in mind that even those that appear to be the strongest are breaking down inside.
I'm going to doing these sort of posts more regularly, as Mental health is something that I think gets brushed to the side and its real shit and it's affecting us. Additionally, this better be some sort of therapy for myself. *Peep the silent threat to my mind*