Rona Madness: BPD Update

This week Rona season is not actually running me down into the ground. It feels mad typing this. But for the first time ever I feel like having Borderline Personality Disorder has prepared me for something. Big man ting, it’s about time! The uncertainty, panic and craziness are three things that consistently live inside my head so now that it’s out in the world I honestly feel more relaxed.

I also think that being a homebody has a big impact on how you find being restricted to your house. I like being indoors away from people. It makes my life calmer, and I don’t have to work on social skills. I’m so stink I know, I know… maybe after Rona, I’ll work on being social. Have you seen the meme where it says after the lockdown is over invite me everywhere, I promise I’ll come!

I got knocked down yesterday and had a long cry when I found out that a friend’s mum had died due to coronavirus related issues. I’m so sensitive to emotions, especially sad ones that I could feel it affecting my physically. I used the skills I learned in therapy to mellow me, but I’ve been bugaboo’ing my mum ever since. In the past, I’d let my sadness turn into a rage because I’d keep trying to squash it, but I remembered that emotions and feelings are likes waves, they come and go. So I let myself cry, I turned to faith and comforted my friend. I’m definitely more heated when I hear people are out and about for nonsense and bantering the lockdown. But I’m recognising the feelings rather than putting on my savage crown and ripping people.

One more thing I’ve felt over the past week is more present. I’ve started going on walks every couple of days and I’ve seen flowers bloom on trees. I’ve looked at daisies in the park and touched them. I haven’t focused on Daisys since about 2001 when I used to make daisy chains at school.

I’m ending the week feeling anxious and sad but it’s justified, so I’m not overwhelmed or stressed that I have these lingering feelings. Am I worried that my emotions will start bubbling and go into overdrive? 100%. But I’m also grateful that I’ve got a whole folder of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy notes for support, and a platform where I can write about how I’m feeling as an outlet.

I keep a couple of post-it notes on my bed just above where I sleep and one is so relevant to the times now. I recite it every morning… “Take It One Day At A Time.” The truth is that is all we can do.